“I am amazed how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.” Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages

The 5 languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.” 
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages Singles Edition

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Here is an Amazon book link to Social, The Power of Relationships

Show Notes:

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” -by Shannon L. Alder

Working the room means making friends and influencing people in a social setting, since if you walk into the room for the first time, you probably don’t know anyone, there are two approaches you can take but they start the same. One is introducing yourself to others that have the same emotional energy you do, welcoming them to the group,make sure you talk confidently which is why you talk about what you value. As you talk to people you build your confidence and emotional energy.

An introvert will continue speaking one on one with people throughout the room. While an extrovert will find someone they can really connect with and together they will grow a circle around them as they entertain and make people laugh.

Small talk is crucial for building rapport. It’s not about what you are talking about it’s about the emotions you are sending across those empathy waves. You find out how they are feeling and what they are willing to talk about through small talk.

What to talk about

Talk about the things you value. Talk about the things that the group is coming together about. Share your life stories that make you laugh or talk about something that you learned recently. Talk about what you are passionate about. If you can talk about it they’ll listen if you appear interested in listening in turn.

“If you see something beautiful in someone speak it” -by Ruthie Lindsey

Debating a topic disrespectfully. It’s not about proving the other person wrong if your intention is to make friends. The good way to debate is to point out the things you agree on and pose questions on things you don’t agree on.

Avoid talking about the things that make you depressed or anxious. It’s all about the emotion you want to share and talk about things that bring the feeling to your memory. If all you talk about is depressing than that’s all you are going to find and experience in your life.

We all have bad days and we do need some time to share our frustrations. However make sure you show gratitude for them to listen to you and strive to share something you are passionate about in the future.

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(All book links are amazon affiliate links. Thank you for supporting us by using our affiliate links to buy books.)

Here is an amazon book link to Social, The Power of Relationships

Show Notes:

You want to have a few things in mind before walking into a room to converse and connect, and that is having a Social Strategy.

There are three parts to developing a social strategy:

1. Knowing your purpose
2. Understanding your audience
3. Having a message you want to share

Purpose; is knowing why you are showing up to this group. Why are you wanting to go to the event, party, or group get together?

“WHY? Asking why is the most important question you can ever ask yourself or your company. Knowing your why empowers you to define both your vision and goals. Knowing your why also makes it easier to say yes or no to every decision.” ~Spencer Taggart, Social Media Marketing Director

Audience; is understanding who you are connecting with. What are their values? What do you have in common with them? Why are they coming to this event? How do they like connecting with other people? What type of dress will people be wearing at the event? What is the main value that is bringing everyone together?

When picking the audience you want to join look for groups that share your values. It’s hard to connect with someone when you don’t share common values.

Message; What is the message you want to share? What are your strengths? What do you want other people to know about you? What values do you want them to know you love?

An example of message; Jason’s underlining message is sharing his stories to inspire. He looks for opportunities to inspire and aid people on the path to live their dreams.

The more excitement and passion you can share the more value you are giving to the people around you.

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Thanks so much

Cheers

(All book links are amazon affiliate links. Thank you for supporting us by using our affiliate links to buy books.)

Here is an amazon book link to Social, The Power of Relationships

Show Notes:

“Until you truly let go, until you truly form humility, can you find empathy and in that empathy you find contact and in that contact you find out who you truly are, and who the people are around you.” By Jimmy Nelson, author of the book Before They Pass Away.

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” -By Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

In this episode we are talking about the 5 social roles we play in group settings.

The 5 social roles are

1. Organizer
2. Speaker
3. Wingman
4. Wallflower
5. Loner

The Organizer is the guy or girl who brought the group together.

The Speaker is the most enthusiastic person in the room. They are the entertainer in the group.

The Wingman is the guy or girl who is the most emotionally connected person to the wingman. He or she helps supports the entertainment.

The Wallflower are the viewers of the group. They speak quietly with the people next to them.

The loner is the person who is easily caught in his or her own mental chaos. They are thinking to much of themselves positively or negatively, and as such they are trying to become something they are not guaranteed to succeed doing.

Listen to the Podcast PLAY THEORY for reference for the concept of “Yes and” the conversation.

You don’t need to be a speaker or organizer to feel connected to the group. You only need to accept yourself the way you are and look for ways to welcome others to the group.

The difference between the loner and the wallflower is their social strategy. It’s a matter of thinking about how to welcome others than thinking about how afraid or confused you may feel.

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Link to the book on amazon Social, The Power of Relationships.

Show notes:

“Research shows that negative feelings like anxiety and depression, unlike positive emotions, make us more self-centered. In contrast, positive emotions boost our inclination to connect with others in productive ways.” -By  Emma Seppälä, The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Her website is emmaseppala.com.

For those who would like to read more about these topics check out our book.

Amazon Book link: Social, The Power of Relationships

Disclaimer, We’re not saying you are a self-centered jerk if you have depression or anxiety. It only means one feels inclined to think more self-centered when feeling negative emotions. When we feel more positive emotions it compels us to connect with more people.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. A Neuroscientist Vilayanur Ramachandran explains the intriguing functions of mirror neurons. These neurons allow us to learn complex social behaviors. The foundations of human civilization Stand on our ability to use these neurons to learn complex social interactions.

We can look at someone and get a good idea of how they are feeling because of these mirror neurons, also known as empathy. They help us to recognize emotions.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” – by Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

When you have a hard time feeling empathy you can strengthen it through meditation.

When your empathy is too strong and it clouds your ability to take action it’s best to define who you want to focus on.

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Link to the book on amazon Social, The Power of Relationships.

Show notes:

“It’s about values. It’s about happiness. It’s about living a life of meaning and direction.

It’s about surrounding yourself with people who elevate and inspire you.”

Quote by Jordan harbinger at TheArtOfCharm.com.

Values can control our core thoughts. They should trigger positive emotions that provide the rails for more positive trains of thought.

Expectations are habits on cruse control. When an expectation lies unmet it commonly triggers negative emotions. Many times we are blind to our expectations until they are broken.

The better you can control your thoughts the stronger of an impact you make in the world. Values and expectations are our thoughts behind our thoughts. Knowing what they are, gives you more control over what you think about. We only need to think about them once for them to make a large impact in our daily life.

When you feel happy stop and ask what do I value in this situation or why do I enjoy this experience?

When you feel badly stop and ask what was the expectation that has been broken or whose fault is it and what can I learn here?

The way you feel is the first thing you give in any relationship. Your emotions are influenced by what you think, and what you think about is controlled by your values and expectations.

Amazon Book link: Social, The Power of Relationships

“I think most everybody has a natural sixth sense for feeling what other people are feeling. Some have a stronger sense than others.” Josh Putman

Hi guys, we are trying to transcribe the episodes for you but it is turning out to be a lot more work than we have time for. So this may be the last transcription we will be doing for a while. After this episode we will be writing out just show notes with quotes and references from the show. Thanks for all your support.

Transcription:

Jason: Hello everyone thanks for joining us again at Social: The Power of Relationships. Today we are talking about our thoughts and how they control our emotions. if you are you’re here for the first time check out the last few podcasts to become caught up on all the things we talked about so far.

I’m Jason

I’m Josh

Josh has a great quote to start us off with.

0:40

Josh: this is a quote by Mahatma Gandhi “A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks he becomes.”

Josh: That is absolutely true isn’t it? I mean, Our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings create our actions, and our actions develop our habits. Habits are what make us who we are.

Jason: Every thought has a feeling, have enough thoughts with a certain feeling and that creates our mood. Our mood is the first thing we give in a relationship. You don’t have to talk to see how someone feels. Through their body language we can get a strong sense of how they are feeling. That’s the first thing they also feel from you.

2:00

Josh: I think most everybody has a natural sixth sense for feeling what other people are feeling. Some probably have a stronger sense than others. You’ve probably been in the room when somebody walks in and they’re angry and that changes the mood in the room. It starts to effect how you feel if you’re there for too long.

2:30

Jason: It also goes the other direction too, where everyone is laughing and you start laughing. So, How do you control your thoughts? Especially when you’re around other people.

3:00

Josh: In the last episode we talked about building a relationship with ourselves. Our thoughts are the way we build that relationship. If we are to develop that relationship it’s good to be aware of what we’re thinking, particularly when you’re feeling something you don’t want to feel. Your focus is going to determine that emotional state.

3:40

Jason: When I was younger I struggled a lot with depression. Something I did that helped was keep a journal called my book of thoughts. I would record the moments that I was feeling really happy, why I was happy, and I record when I was feeling sad and what thoughts lead me to that state. After a while I could influence how I felt about most situations.

4:10

Josh: I haven’t done a journal, I should probably, but I’ve done a lot of self inventory. Over the years I’ve tried to decipher and discover what’s creating the states that I’m in to then create the state that I want. To feel the way that I want to feel as opposed with the ways that I don’t. It’s been tricky and complex at times. I think it would be less valuable if we were constantly worried about our thoughts. That can be counterproductive. Being aware is good but being hyper aware I guess can be a bit negative.

5:30

Jason: There’s always a balance to everything. We can’t control 100% of what we think. However we can influence them and ride the waves better with some training. In college I joined an improvising group call play Theory. Their goals as a group were to help people cultivate trust, generosity and enthusiasm. They taught four principles that were really helpful for guiding my thoughts.

These four principles helped me the most: Number 1 is “be 100% present”, number 2 “let go and play”, 3 is “say yes and”, number 4 is to “look outward.”

6:45

Jason: The first one is, be 100% present and that means letting go of all your fears and all your anxieties to just be in the moment. One the ways I do that is to start listing the things I’m grateful for.

6:58

Josh: I’ve done quite a lot of meditation to help me to become more present. I’m better at it on some days than others, but to be in the moment has been incredibly beneficial.

7:23

Jason: I find whenever I’m depressed it’s because I’m thinking too much of the past. If I’m feeling anxiety it’s because I’m thinking too much of the future, particularly what could go wrong. Being present for me means being focused on the very next action on a project I’m working on. I’m looking for ways to bring my life into more positive state of being.

Josh: Or like what you were saying earlier, making lists of things you are grateful for. What are you grateful for, in the room, with this person you are speaking to right now? You could be grateful for anything “I really appreciate the sweater that you are wearing. I really like that coat. They have nice eyes, a nice smile, good energy.” Being grateful helps you to stay present with them and it deepens the experience you are having together.

8:17

Jason: The next one is to let go and play. The concept here is to let go of your fears of what could happen and allowing things to happen as they are. Be okay with making mistakes. Be okay with things getting a little awkward and rolling with it. “Lets see where this is going and how I can improve it.”

9:00

A great quote from our teacher, Neil Hooper, who organize the group said “Play lowers the stakes and allows for failure when attempting new skills. Mistakes are opportunities to learn if viewed with an opened mind.”

9:29

Josh: Yeah because we get so worried about making mistakes that we feel like we don’t want to try something new. We feel we need to get it perfect every time. We tie our value to that, I guess. Why not play? It’s lowering the expectations for ourselves, it’s not really about succeeding, it’s about playing. It’s about enjoying whatever I’m about to do. I think that can help to alleviate some of those pressures of the fears of failure. Because there is no failure, you’re only exploring (just trying something.) You’re just playing.

10:00

Jason: Failures are things that we put on ourselves. If we do not do this then we are failures. It’s a very negative state of mind that we have to turn off for a bit. Yes there is opportunities that we can fail but play a game you can win and lose as many times as you need to to get there (Quote by David Allen).

10:29

Jason: Number three is say yes and, It’s basically accepting whatever comes and then adding to it. It’s adding a little spark of you to it. Whether that thing is that comes into your world or whatever that person says to you, you accepted admire it and then add to it.

Josh: You are not fault-finding. Instead, you’re accepting it as it is and looking for ways to improve it, not necessary to improve the person but to add value to the experience.

11:18

Jason: Number 4 is: looking outward, which is when you’re in a situation you’re always looking  for ways to help the other people around you. It’s making sure that your partner that you’re with looks great. What you’re doing is making them look great.

Josh: Because if everybody is doing that everybody looking great. It helps you get out of your mind and helps you support somebody else. It’s helps you to become more present.

11:57

Jason: It helps you to look great as well. Your thoughts are energy and we tend to identify that as emotional energy (happy, sad, angry, depressed) you know. Those thoughts sync with others when you are looking for connections. When you are trying to help someone else with your thoughts You’re connecting with how they are feeling and in a sense thinking the same as they are.

I’m not a huge believer in the energies of the cosmos, it may sound like it but I am referring to emotions. Our emotions are energy and as you think outwards you’re connecting with the energy of other people and that opens up the flow. You can continue to stay in positive states for longer periods of time that way.

13:00

Josh: You are feeding off of each other (I don’t know if feeding off of each other is the right words.) You’re supplying each other with positive emotion. It’s one of those weird dichotomies that the more you give away the more you receive. That’s how our thoughts create and shape who we are. That’s why they’re very important.

13:24

Josh: So Thank you today for this great conversation we had about our thoughts and the Play Theory Principles.

Jason: Thank you Josh so much and thank you James. James is in the background recording the podcast. He is our engineer thanks guys for listening and I look forward to more episodes do it next episode.